I call this, the collage of despair.

work 6-15-13

And that is all I have to say about that.

Last week I found myself having problems even cleaning the kitchen. I was frustrated, and I felt abnormal. Though it seems like a slight detail of my life, it sucks not being able to easily motivate myself to do some simple tasks lately. Wash rinse repeat. Wash rinse repeat. It’s groundhog day. I need a reset trip.

I went to my riding class. The previous week I was kinda bummed out, and chose to blurt out my issues to my classmates and felt tons better. I still feel shitty, but just going to class, I feel better knowing someone knows. I rode Sapi, a horse I can barely ride in the arena, but on the trail, she’s in her element. She’s a beautiful sure footed mustang straight out of the wild. No tripping, no slipping. I had a beautiful time and thus far am liking learning more about the people in my class now that we’re doing trail rides.

riding 6-12-13

Thursday evening I made dinner. Hey, I can’t clean a kitchen and feel proud, but I can make dinner! I got trader joe’s pizza dough, and topped it with pesto, mozzarella, tomatoes, garlic, and arugula. It needs work, but I’m proud of making dinner. I used to more, when I had less intricate costumes and hobbies, and I’m glad my new routine may involve allowing time to make food. I’m not amazing at it though. It’s not one of those things where I make you something and you run and tell all your friends I’m a good cook… but I am proud!

dinner 6-13-13

Friday night was a girls only party, and I found my “dark passengers” didn’t feel so interested in having fun. I feel like these ovaries just send messages to my mind to hate everything lately. Saturday I was fatigued, and attempted to entertain the idea of another party I was invited to. I was greatful, to be invited to a party with a close friend, (so thank you repurposingmom!) and other girls I’d like to get to know, but I just couldn’t do it. I decided to strand myself on the couch,  wasting time on Facebook, debating dozens of times whether I should ban myself from the website for an extended period of time, but I can’t just yet. But why? I don’t know. The feeling that people will forget you when you are off of it, or, that you might not even remember them. I want to see what people are doing, I just wish I didn’t look so much. (Hahaha I love saying “I wish” when it’s something that is completely under MY OWN CONTROL!)

My pets, they surrounded me, and I loved that.

saturday 6-15-13

Sunday I woke up early for my cat care orientation at the shelter. A girl was there who had talked to me briefly while I had been on the search for the cat now known as Drogo. She was the one training me how to care for the cats there. I really liked her when I had talked to her months before, so I was happy that she was the one showing me the ropes, because I always get nervous in these new social situations. I’m just better at trying harder to not seem so awkward right off the bat. I spent a couple hours cleaning cages and an hour just hanging out with cats. Why did I fall in love with the one cat with liver issues? Isn’t that how I roll… He was amazing. So are the millions of displaced seniors, and I’m reminded why I’m here. I will admit it seems that cleaning cages daily would really start to wear on you, but when they’re all clean, and you get to visit with purring cats who jump back into their newly clean bed you feel good. They didn’t ask for this cage as their home, so why not clean it out and give them some moments of love during their long day of simply… existing.

I’m motivated to move forward in my development, and volunteering basically is giving me free experience, feelings of accomplishment and usefulness, all while making animal people/world connections. It can open doors to things I really want to do, and I never know where it will take me. Even if this only lasts a short time, I’m happy I’m doing it, experiencing things, learning about a world I have an interest in.

I ended the weekend by making dinner again, a nice fatty pasta full of peppers, pesto, chicken, and a bucket of deliciously potent herb olive oil. Comfort. Food.

dinner 6-16-13

Mein beloved songs of the week:

Longest Road – Deadmau Remix – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r908d4CmkSI

Varekai – Rebeus and Patzivota – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=59bjlPln6Mw